the hard truth about recovering from anorexia.
“I no longer wear exhaustion as a badge of honor.”
– Brene Brown
i place so much of my self-worth on my appearance, achievements, academic excellence, prestigious degrees – as if these are the only markings of success. as if a thin body and a certificate make me worthy of love.
but does anything really matter, if i’m making myself sick in doing it?
i’m not happy. in fact, i’m fucking depressed and often have thoughts that I will be stuck in this cycle of addiction and restriction and complete loneliness for the rest of my life. that I’m a failure for not finding a career path that fits or being able to feed myself 3 meals a day.
but then there is a little part of me that wonders if there isn’t more to life than what we’re told. are we born to pay bills and die?
i am constantly trying to do more, be more, achieve more in the vague hope that i’ll suddenly be happy one day. but so much of this is tied up in what i think other people expect of me.
and so, i have made the decision to step back. i’ve deferred my studies and i’m going back to live with my parents and master the art of doing absolutely nothing.
i am slowly trying to remove the guilt and shame attached to not being in melbourne, working 9-5, earning heaps of money and the praise of my peers. trying to let go of the fear that i will be judged for having a mental illness.
i want to start making time to be present. prioritising things like reading, meditating, resting, doing yoga, taking a bubble bath, lighting candles, playing with my pets and spending time with friends.
practicing the art of just ‘being’.
my body, my mind and my spirit need time to slow down.
and there’s nothing shameful in that.
*if you or anyone you knows needs help with an eating disorder, don’t hesitate to get in contact with me or give Eating Disorders Victoria a call on 1300 550 236.